September's Post (Not Very Good At This Blogging Lark, Am I?!!)

Reposted, finally added new photo's at the bottom!
Finally posting this post I wrote in September...

Hello Friends,
Oh I am sorry for not keeping up with my blog, but in all honesty, i lost my mojo,totally, and I haven't made anything of late. So I felt I had nothing to blog about.
I had a bad month in August personally with illness and what not, and it's taken me all of September to get back to being myself again.
But, alas, the season has changed, and we are well into Autumn. Its a briskly cold, crisp day, we have blue skies and sunshine, but a biting snappy breeze is whipping away any warmth!
Soon, I am going to don my winter woolies and wellies and take my boys for a walk down the country lane to pick some blackberries, before they're all eaten by the birds!
my Hubby is crazily out on the river kayaking with friends today. Nutter!
My 'craft room' is our conservatory, which do not be misled, is not one of those lovely sunny rooms, its at the back of the house (of course) the sunlight blocked by our neighbours house, for best part of the day so it doesn't get warmed up much, and its just soooo cold to sit in there for any length of time especially in the evenings when I'm motivated to do anything in there most! I didn't really think it through did I when I cheerfully set up my desk etc in there in the spring!! No wonder Hubby was so enthusiastic and helpful to help me move my things out there!!! haha!
So, I am looking at heaters at present!! I shall conquer...the cold!! haha!
But, I do have something to share with you, nt that I'm vain or seeking glorification for myself! but I have reached somewhat of a milestone, that I'd like to share with you.

This time last year, I'd seen a photo of myself and I got so disheartened my it. For I saw not what I had decieved myself in thinking was me!  I remember the photo being taken and I was doing the 'holding my tummy in' stance, and I was horrified when I saw a bloated, swollen version of me. I cringe at the photo, and hate it but I am going to share it with you...

There I was in my trademark Black clothes that I thought would be 'slimming' or flattering! 
I never viewed myself as overweight, but I've always been 'fairly slim', about a size 12, since I've been married, and I was happy with that, but after I had my boys, I could only squidge myself into some 12's, and if i was honest to myself, I was more like a 14. In this picture, I am  size 16, wearing very loose, linen size 14 trousers!

I had a wedding to go to, a few weeks later, and so I decided firstly, I needed a fringe again, and got myself those 'spanx' hold-you-all-in body things. Then I squidged myself into the dress I had that was the most comfortable, into the only one I could get into.

I again was trying to suck in my tummy in this picture too!! haha! but at the wedding, I almost fainted with the discomfort and actual pain those pants gave me!  I'd squidged into size 12 ones, so they were so tight, but I was too self-concious and vain to not wear them, as i was also singing at the wedding too.
I actually had no confidence at all.
And although I thought I scrubbed up ok in this picture, it was sad to think of the discomfort I went through to try and look acceptable and nice to myself. Because that's the thing isn't it?
 Friends, family and my husband all loved me as I was, no-one said I should loose weight, no-one said I was fat, overweight or anything. It was how I felt, about myself and how I looked. And i didn't like what I saw and felt when I saw those pictures. I didn't see the me I wanted to be.
So for the first time in my life, I went to one of those slimming clubs, because as much as I'd tried to just diet and cut things out since I had my boys, I never actually had the willpower to keep it going. I hate the thought of depriving myself of chocolate and puddings!! Its bad enough that I'm intolarant to cheese and can't eat it!! 
I joined Slimming World, and even went to a group in the neighbouring town where I didn't know anyone!!! (how sad am I?!!haha!)
I thought it was great and that I'd loose it all in no time. But even though the plan is all very simple and healthy and great, it took a lot longer than I ever thought to loose it all.
Just 2 stone in all.  Some ladies were loosing several pounds a week, and hitting their targets, while I lost about a pound a week, even when I excercised more, I still only ever lost 1 and half pounds!
anyway, by about May time, I got really closeto my target, then with holidays and anniversary, I took a few steps back, and finally, last week, I hit that target.
I'd been either just one or two pounds from it since July! so it was most frustrating to just keep plateauing.
I went shopping with my husband a few weeks ago, and I got a shock as I got closer to the shop, I thought I had seen my younger sister who's always been slim, with such an enviable figure, so I hurried closer to say Hi and it was ME!! in the reflection!! My hubby laughed when I exclaimed 'Oh! its ME! is that me??'  i was delighted!
I know full well I've looked in the mirror I do it everyday, but somehow seeing my self from a distance...It just hadn't sunk in quite how much better I look, and feel.
I sang at my sisters anniversary party, exactly a year after the other wedding I went to, not once did I worry about what I looked like, (granted I ws nervous singing for 45 mins in front of everyone my sister knows!) and I danced and danced all evening, which I struggled to do before.
I have so much more energy now, and the most important thing I have found is my confidence again. I feel like I am me again. As I was on the journey of loosing weight, I realised that its not all about the size I was, it was about my own insecurities, self-confidence, issues and baggage etc. Loosing weight doesn't solve all those things but it gave me such a sense of achievement.
I've never been ambitious in my life, nor aspiring nor achieved much in my humble little life, but this, little achievement of just shedding a couple of stone, has made such a difference to me. I know it sounds so cliched as I always read simular things in the life stories in the slimming world magazine, but I know what they're on about now.
Now I know I can overcome things, now I know that I don't have to accept the way I am, if I don't like certain bits in my personality, or outlook, I can change it (with help & will-power of course)
and then there's the vain pleasures...
Just to be able to go shopping, with my 17 year old step-daughter and actually having to go get smaller sizes in clothes, in shops that I'd never shop in before, as I thought I was too old or frumpy to find anything in there.
To go shopping for clothes and actually come home with something for myself instead of finding nothing that fits right, and getting something for the kids instead!
We took my 19yr old step-son to university last weekend, I hadn't seen him for over a month and so far I think his comment is my favorite I've had so far. we stopped at some services and I got out the van, and he said 'Oh My God! you actually look HOT!' 
He was shocked at his own comment that fell out of his mouth, in front of his girl-friend and Dad to his step-mum, and for once, instead of blowing it off, and not believing it, I smiled and said Thanks.
So I am going to re-discover myself and am joining Bonnie's class "Discovering Myself"
I think its time I start seeing other good bits I have!!

Here's some pix I took of myself,what I look like now I've lost the two stone in weight,

And lastly,  here's one of me wearing those black trousers from last year in the first photo

and to save you scrolling back up the see the 'before' photo!!

Quite a difference hey?!

thanks for reading my Looooong post!

I will be back soon and won't leave it quite so long before my next post!